“If you don’t own a boat or a third home, you’re basically Antifa.”

June 25, 2025 – Washington, D.C.

In a bold new political doctrine unveiled on Truth Social and several Walmart parking lots nationwide, MAGA loyalists have officially declared that helping poor people is now “an act of treason.”

“Enough is enough,” said Chad Bronski, a self-identified patriot from Texas wearing three overlapping “Let’s Go Brandon” shirts. “Every time a politician helps the poor, a bald eagle cries and the stock market dips. I’m sick of these handouts to people who only own one car.”

The outrage began when Senator Linda March (I–VT) proposed a bill to provide free school lunches for underprivileged children. Within minutes, the MAGAverse erupted.

“You feed one hungry kid and next thing you know, he’s demanding healthcare, books, and a house that doesn’t leak!” shouted conservative radio host Blaze McRanch. “That’s not America. That’s communism with extra steps.”

Right-wing influencers joined the frenzy, accusing March of “economic terrorism” and calling for her immediate deportation to Canada. “How dare she use taxpayer money to support children instead of hedge fund managers and yacht mechanics?” one commentator fumed.

In a now-viral post, @RedHatAvenger69 wrote:

“If poor people want food, they should bootstrap themselves into the foie gras industry like my great-grandfather did after inheriting an oil refinery.”

The MAGA faithful have since launched a new campaign slogan: “Make America Gated Again,” pushing for a national dress code banning anyone without a gold-plated belt buckle.

To counter March’s bill, several MAGA politicians have proposed their own legislation, including:

• A $10 billion tax credit for anyone who owns a private jet and actively ignores homeless people.
• A ban on libraries in neighborhoods with a median income under $1 million.
• “Workhouses, but make them patriotic” — an idea floated by Senator Gunner Throttle (R–FL), who added, “Hard labor builds character. That’s why my butler is so wise.”

Political scientist Dr. Lisa Rawley weighed in: “It used to be the GOP believed helping the poor was misguided. Now it’s a full-blown hate cult. If you accidentally tip a barista too much, they accuse you of being a Marxist sleeper agent.”

At press time, Trump was seen unveiling a new line of luxury golf clubs called “Welfare Haters,” featuring clubs engraved with quotes like “No soup for the lazy!” and “Feed the Rich!”

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Disclaimer: This article is fictional satire. Any resemblance to real events, quotes, or people is purely intentional and meant for comedic effect.