WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what critics are calling “a bold theological pivot,” House Republicans are celebrating the passage of the Big Beautiful Bill, which slashes funding for healthcare and food assistance programs, by claiming that “Jesus would’ve totally approved.”

The bill, now heading to the Senate, includes sweeping cuts to Medicaid, SNAP benefits, and disability assistance, under what GOP leaders call a “compassionate austerity framework.”

“This is about biblical responsibility,” said Rep. Randy Pickens (R-OK), flanked by a golden crucifix and a laminated chart showing projected tax savings for billionaires. “Jesus said feed the hungry and heal the sick — but He never said it had to come out of our defense budget.”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene took it further. “Jesus was all about personal responsibility. If you’re hungry or sick, it’s probably because you didn’t pray hard enough or buy enough MyPillow products.”

When asked for clarification, Greene handed reporters a Jeff Foxworthy Devotional Bible with key verses highlighted in Sharpie.

Church Not Having It

Faith leaders across denominations responded swiftly.

“Actually, Jesus fed people for free,” said Rev. Carla Mendoza of the National Council of Churches. “And He healed them without copays, deductibles, or needing prior authorization.”

The Vatican released a rare public statement, noting that “Christ’s teachings were centered on compassion, not cost-efficiency.”

GOP Doubling Down

Despite pushback from the religious community, Republican lawmakers insist their interpretation of Scripture is airtight.

“Jesus flipped tables over greed,” said Sen. Josh Hawley, “but I’m pretty sure he was just mad about bad interest rates.”

DISCLAIMER:
This article is entirely satirical and not factual. The Big Beautiful Bill, the quotes, and events described are fictional and intended for entertainment and commentary purposes only. Any resemblance to real legislation, politicians, or interpretations of Scripture is coincidental, exaggerated, or deliberately absurd. Please do not confuse this with real news.